Iv’e been overwhelmed reading blogs & tweets from fellow student nurses who have opened up about their own personal struggles with their emotional well-being & they have inspired me to share my own battles with my mental health since being a student nurse, previously I have only ever wanted to portray myself as being tough and emotionally resilient – which I am, but not all of the time and that’s okay.

I truly believe that in order for things to change, being open & honest about how we feel is so important. Not only for ourselves, but for those who may not feel ready to share the most vulnerable part of themselves out of the fear of being judged. If we have the confidence to share our experiences & the power to share them on a social media platform then we might just normalise just how common it is to experience a form of anxiety or depression as a student nurse and how by being transparent about the staggering statistic may lead to more support throughout our training.

Now, all our stories are going to be different but the reasons we may become vulnerable & suffer with our mental health may be exacerbated due to the nature of our course & everything we are exposed to. I have been reasonably open about my physical health – sepsis. It feels so easy to talk about my physical health but the reason I spent my summer of my first year in intensive care actually began with severe anxiety secondary to my nursing degree.

My last placement of my first year left me feeling so burnt out, working up to 40 hours a week on a placement & trying to juggle as many night shifts I possibly could – most weeks I was working 65+ hours just to make ends meet. There was a senior member of staff who made the six weeks I spent on the ward unbearable.

My mentor was incredible but we rarely worked together. So when this member of staff went out of their way to make comments like; “you could try to not look so tired” or when short staffed would say “the student can do it”. I did get a lot of support from the practice education team but I felt far too embarrassed to be completely honest just how difficult I was finding it. I used to throw up on my way to placement,due to the way my anxiety wanted to manifest. I was so burnt out but not sleeping, worrying about what my next shift would be like. I didn’t find it a valuable learning opportunity at all, it didn’t help build my resilience it was probably 6 of the worst weeks of my life.

On top of my placement I was facing so many financial struggles. We had been told at university that we shouldn’t be working alongside our degree due to the nature of it. So if we aren’t supposed to be working, with the introduction of tuition fees and student loans which are calculated the same as any other degree? I have no other choice than to work because I have nobody else to rely on.

coming towards the end of my placement I had began feeling so run down, I had a persistent fever and felt lethargic all of the time. I didn’t want to take any time off because if I did, I would owe the NMC hours & have to find time to make them up.

So on my very last shift, I began having severe abdominal pain, dizziness & began projectile vomiting on shift. I was sent home by the nurse in charge & woke up 5 days later in intensive care, with a breathing tube in.

The flu like symptoms I had ignored, turned out to be intra-abdominal sepsis -my body had gone into shock & I had a blood pressure systolic of 42 on arrival to my nearest A&E. I don’t remember too much about my admission but I do remember being so worried about an OSCE I was going to miss that I had tears streaming down my face, whilst still on the ventilator, renal replacement therapy and cardiovascular support I was only able to write and I had written OSCE.I was told I shouldn’t be worrying about university.  If I had the right information and support, and wasn’t made to feel that I was somehow in the wrong as I shouldn’t have been working so many hours maybe i would have taken some time off placement and would have noticed the signs of sepsis.

A few days after being extubated after two very challenging days on NIV, I was given my phone and the first thing I did was log into my online banking & pay my rent & email uni about me missing my OSCE. I did this before I could even stand with physio. It’s not until recently that hindsight has made me realise just how worrying oit is that I put being a student nurse above my own physical and emotional well-being.

After two more weeks on the high-dependency unit, I managed to go back to university. I started my 2nd year with a 6 week placement which I loved which only reinforced all of the reasons why I want to be a nurse. I was waking up at 4:30am to make it to placement on time though, and i also needed to go back to work. I was admitted to intensive care for the second time with bilateral pneumonia. This second admission caused me to have severe PTSD which I am still battling.

After the second admission, I thought about taking some time out of university but I knew I would only end up working full time and throwing myself into university actually helped tackle some of my mental health problems. I have come to realise that there is nothing in the world more important than taking care of myself.

I was invited to Westminster abbey in November 2018 & spoke personally with our health minister about my experience and why the government needs to reinstate the bursary. I know it’s not the answer to all of the problems student nurses face but I know it would certainly help.

After following the StnMHD on twitter, and reading that 94% of student nurses have suffered with some form of anxiety or depression throughout their training, it is clear that something needs to change. The support we have access to needs to improve and we need to end the stigma that is associated with mental health. Our degree already puts us at risk as we are exposed to some emotionally challenging situations throughout our careers but some of the aspects of being a student nurse could be improved.

I am already resilient, I don’t need a workshop to tell me this. I am 25 years old, I have overcome a hell of a lot during the past two years. I am still training to be a nurse because I love what I do, although yes it is tough at times, it is still the best job in the world. Please if you are a student nurse who is suffering, there is a huge community of other students who are incredibly supportive so know you are not alone. Engage with your university and know that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. If you’re a nursing academic or a mentor, please ask your students if they’re okay, you could make the difference that we need to get us through the tough times!